I would like to look at a variety of areas that may bring challenges when adopting children older than infants. My purpose is not to create fear amongst those who are just beginning to look at the option of adoption, but to present a clear and honest look at some of the issues that families face when bringing non-biological children into their homes.
As I said in my last post, I have had several close personal friends that have adopted older children, and I also have several bloggy friends that have become personal email confidants as well. Now, I want to draw from my own experiences, and those of my friends, to help others take a closer look at some of the challenges of adopting older children.
I so appreciated your comments the past two days. Jill gave a detailed list of some of the challenges that are common amongst children who are adopted after infancy (and I added a few areas that I thought of, also).
When you bring home older children, you may find yourself with ...
Neglected children.
Unloved children.
Emotionally abused children.
Physically abused children.
S*xually abused children.
Malnourished children.
Uneducated children.
Undisciplined children.
"These are the realities of children around the world." (Jill)
"If anyone expects a child to not have the potential for problems after a life like that ... that is naive." (Amy)
One commenter thought that since there are so many books and resources already available, that maybe I should just give references to those resources. However, I know that, personally, I would much rather learn from the blog of a "friend", someone I know and trust, than from a book or website. By sharing these types of things on my blog, I hope to open up a time of discussion ... and give you a place to ask questions and dialogue with other adoptive parents.
I am going to write short individual posts about some of the different challenges, so that people can track back to specific posts if/when they desire.
I look forward to hearing your thoughts ... getting your insights ... hearing your stories ... and passing along your suggestions.
I wanted to point out having adopted children from infancy and older children as well- that infants also experience similar issues as older children who are adopted. The grief, loss, etc. is very much the same. While the memories aren't there of their Mommas most of the time- instinctually they can remember her smell, her voice, her touch etc. All children regardless of what age they were adopted need acknowledgement of this loss and an open dialogue to express their feelings about it.
ReplyDeleteFrom personal experience and from literature I have read I know first hand the loss that infants suffer post adoption. I have seen how it affects children when they are older and they still long for their mothers- even if they have no specific memory of what she looks like etc.
Hello Laurel, I've been reading your recent blog posts with interest and figure it's time for me to chime in. For those of you who don't know me, I am also the mother of 13. 5 adopted, three of those were adopted as teens (in 2007) from West Africa. First of all Laurel, I do think these topics need to be discussed because they are reality. Adopting older children from anywhere is not easy. I think you are doing a good job of presenting these issues without it turning into a blog of horror stories.
ReplyDeleteWhat I want to say is, for whatever reason, or adoption of older children has gone well (so far). Anything is possible, but our children are not destructive, disrespectful, violent or rebellious. Our biggest issues are things like miscommunication and misunderstanding...so very minor in the big picture.
I just want people to know that there are some happy endings out there. I know of many horror stories from the very orphanage my children came from, yet our are doing well. Their younger brothers (adopted by a family in Michigan) are doing well.
My thoughts and prayers are with your. Keep up the fight.
Renee
Let me preface this by saying I have Zero personal experience with Adoption.
ReplyDeleteI wonder, if the kids don't know what they are doing is wrong ... are there subjects you can talk to them about at the orphanage just to gauge what they know in a non-judgmental conversation?
What they believe is a natural part of their childhood may be easy for them to talk about if they are not condemned for it or told how bad it is.
Armed with that knowledge, would an approach to find an acceptable replacement behavior work? How do we "Break a Habit" ourselves; can positive reinforcement for the better choice work?
The same situation, with different kids, will have differing results; so if this works for even one, I hope that will be a blessing.
Someone with experience may be able to expand on this or even rebuke it, but it's what came to mind as I read all the blogs, and I felt compelled to post.
God is bigger, God is Better,
He'll guide your path, I know.
Seek him, Trust Him day by day,
As His blessings grow & grow!!
Luv Ya, Jim & Laurel ... You're in my prayers!!
Hi Laurel,
ReplyDeleteI just want to say how much I appreciate you tackling these issues the way that you have. Some I've come across and talked about and others come across and I've NOT talked about. Others we haven't experienced. It was helpful to read about them here.
And I have done plenty of reading, but there is something different about a bond that can be shared between people that have known each other through whatever connection (real life, blogging, etc). I appreciate you recognizing that as well.
I do appreciate that some worry that sharing negative stories will scare people off from older child adoption, but the truth is there is so much beyond the problems that makes it worth it, though when you are in the thick of it, I think it makes sense to have trouble always seeing that! :) It is a beautiful experience to be blessed to watch your child grow out of and through difficulties, though it is painful when it doesn't happen (or you are in a tough place and can't see it yet).
The most wonderful gift that honesty about issues does it that it gives people hope when things are difficult- the waters can be traversed and more likely than not, you will travel to a beautiful destination, especially if you are doing the best you can to work on the issues. :) And if things continue to not go well, you can rest in knowing you are not alone and is not you that is failing, but an extremely difficult situation that is the cause.
Anyway, thanks. Thanks for putting it out there and creating an open dialogue. :) Gosh, I guess I better go do my school work now!
Amy
Laurel,
ReplyDeleteWhat great topics for discussion. Spot on. But I too want to mention that those topics can be for pretty much all children, even children adopted as infants. Our Taevy had many of those issues, and came home at 6 months. Early unmet needs and trauma can bring life-long issues to any child. I'm sure lots of people will take great things away from your upcoming posts.
Anita
LOVE your posts!!!! Thank you so much for all the honesty. This shouldn't scare anyone thinking about adoption because although it is hard- who said life would be easy? I don't see that written anywhere in scripture! All I know is that when your heart doesn't feel like loving - that is when you have to give that child to God- carry them there in prayer!!!! Give them to their maker, and beg for God's love to love them with. I couldn't imagine all the lessons, love, craziness, chaos, messiness, more love, hugs, kisses, etc. that I would miss out on with any one of our blessings!!!! Praise God for those raised up to love on all of GOD'S CHILDREN!!!
ReplyDeleteAll the posts were great, Laurel. Very informative, and hopefully you have opened up the dialogue for those who have experience to share their stories. I look forward to reading more, either from you or from Guest Columnists.
ReplyDeleteOnce again, I'm so thankful that God is using your crisis (and the crises of others) to open the doors of communication, healing, and preparing. Praise Jesus!!!
Thank you, Laurel, for broaching a subject that is taboo. I agree with you - I'd so much rather hear these experiences from a person I know and trust. I look forward to reading more.
ReplyDeleteI was just thinking of you this evening, when I realized I hadn't seen many posts from you lately on the yahoo group. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
I am someone reading your blog looking for personal advice on what I should be thinking about as my husband and I are feeling God's nudge to pursue an older sibling group from Ethiopia. Our daughter Adelaide - 2 is bio, Our son Samuel-1 was adopted from Ethiopia at 5 months and we're trying to prepare ourselves before stepping forward. I know God will give us what we need if it's really him saying "Do it!", but I think it would be very wise to prepare ourselves as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteWhat should we be asking ourselves?
What should we be reading?
I've had trouble hearing any responses back from bloggers. I'd appreciate any time you can give me! Thank you!