"Dad ... I broke something."
"Oh. It's probably not a big deal."
"No. Dad. Really.
You'd better come outside and look."
Have you ever had that conversation?
Were you ever surprised by what actually got broken?
Were you ever dumbfounded in trying to figure
out how, exactly, your child was able to break it?
Has one of your children ever broken the
rearview mirror off of the side of your car?
No.
This child was not driving the car.
This child did not run the car into something.
No.
This child ran into the side mirror on Papa's car;
and ripped it right off of the side of the car.
No.
She did not run into it with her bicycle.
She ... just ... RAN into the mirror,
and ripped it off of the car.
It was left hanging by the wires,
as it was an electric mirror.
Papa was left ... dumbfounded.
Big Brother Ben came to the rescue and said,
"It could have happened to anyone."
Papa replied,
"No. I have been a parent for 26 years, and I have
never had a child rip the mirror off of my car."
So ... for all of you adoptive parents out there ...
Do your adopted children have a predisposition
to not "see" their surroundings?
Do your adopted children have a tendency to
not be "aware" of what is happening around them?
Do your adopted children have a propensity
towards breaking things (and/or getting hurt),
more than your bio. kids do?
Do your adopted children seem to not have
any comprehension of how to take care of things?
(even if/when you have been trying to teach
this for 2 1/2 years)
Do any of YOU have any tips on ...
1. How to teach children to "see"
their surroundings?
2. How to train children to be more
conscious of their environment?
3. How to help children to appreciate
the benefits of taking care of things ...
the advantages of not breaking things?
Remember ... this is not the first time that one of our adopted children have left us dumbfounded ...
Remember when one of them threw a rock through their bedroom window and said, "Oh. I was throwing the rock at a bird."? (apparently the child did "not see" the window just past the bird ... not to mention the fact that we had to wonder why, exactly, the child was throwing a rock at a bird)
Remember when one of them got a concussion because she was running up a slide and "didn't see" the metal bar going across the opening at the top of the slide. (were her eyes closed?)
Remember when one of them made the poor choice to play hardball ... right next to the downstairs window? (yes ... 2 broken windows in 2 years ... after parenting 10 children for 25 years and never having a broken window)
Oh ... yes ... remember when one of them road their bike in front of a truck and GOT RUN OVER?!?! These are not just "oops something got broken" issues; the lack of awareness can create critical safety issues.
Yes. Papa and Mama are a bit dumbfounded on this one.
The mirror cost $125 to replace.
Obviously, Little Miss does NOT have
any money to pay for it.
Our trustworthy mechanic then called us to say,
"Your front brakes are at 10%.
We should probably replace those, too."
The brakes cost another $400.
For a total of $525 in car repairs
this week that was NOT budgeted for.
For a total of $1,000+ in "emergency" expenditures
that were not budgeted for in the month of October.
Mama is a bit anxious about our financial situation.
I know ...
I know ...
"Do not be anxious about anything ..."
I KNOW this.
But ...
Sometimes ...
... it is just plain HARD
... to TRUST
... for the day-to-day STUFF
... when we are doing our very BEST
to be financially responsible. Ugh!
Please keep us in your prayers,
we are feeling a bit "hit"
by the unexpected lately.
AAAKKKKK!!! As I was proof-reading this blog post, I heard a CRASH from the kitchen. One of my Little Miss' was carrying a stack of dirty dishes from the dining table to the kitchen sink (12 feet?) and just ... DROPPED ... the dishes. No explanation. No one bumped into her. She ... just ... DROPPED them. She ... just ... LET GO. This is not something that any of my other children have ever done.
Oh. My. Yes. These precious adopted daughters do keep me on my toes. (smile) I LOVE them dearly ... but sometimes just do NOT understand their actions.
I don't know if it has anything to do with being adopted per say. I think some children are prone to different things. Maybe your other children were not prone.
ReplyDeleteI guess I never differentiate because all of our children are adopted. Yes- we have had our children run into things plenty of times- because they are accident prone. Hmmm.....never really thought it as unusual.
Now on purpose destructive behaviors yes- we have had those and after several years of teaching and reteaching- those still creep up. And we teach and reteach :) And some of those are getting better.....
Ouch- that is a chunk of money....praying for God's provision.
Praying hard for abundance for your family and a calm heart.
ReplyDeleteWe have kids that will say to us, "it was an accident" when stuff breaks -- after a while we realized that they weren't paying attention and that it really wasn't an accident since they did not give full focus to the task on hand.
Blessings,
Rachel
Dawn ..
ReplyDeleteI think there are a couple of differences between your adopted children and mine ...
#1 Only 1 of your was an international adoption (and he was young when you got him).
#2 I believe that most of your children came to you when they were pretty young, therefore you have done the "training up" of them starting at young ages.
My girls came to me at 6 & 9. They had not been "trained" during the first 6 & 9 years of their lives.
With my bio. kids (and if I had adopted as infants and toddlers) I trained them from the time they were very young to be aware of things ... watch for the cars in the street ... don't step on the books on the floor ... be careful when you clear your plastic cup from the table ... be careful on the slides ... be careful of the cars in the driveway, don't run into them ...
My kids were being "trained" when I wasn't even thinking of "training" them ... we were just living life and I was "training" them. However, when children come to America at ages 6 & 9, they have missed out on a LOT of training. They didn't have streets in their village (they didn't have to watch for cars) ... they didn't have swings and slides ... they didn't have any personal belongings to take care of (to learn the responsibility of taking care of things) ... they didn't have breakable plates, nor did they have a table or kitchen sink. That was their reality ... Yes. I have visited their mud hut village.
So ... I do understand that they have missed out on many years of training. Yet, after 2 1/2 years, I guess I thought that they would have "caught on" to what we have been trying to teach them. No. They just do not have any awareness of their surroundings, nor any concern for taking care of things.
My 10 bio. kids ... all have been VERY active ... yes, we have had "accidents", but not 3 concussions in 2 years ... my bio. kids are certainly not perfect, and I don't expect my adopted kids to be perfect. But ... I just don't understand the lack of awareness.
Laurel
Wow, isn't God good?? If your daughter hadn't had the accident with the rear-view mirror, you may have had a (much more serious) accident from the brakes going out in your vehicle.
ReplyDeleteMy father was in a fatal car accident where the brake fluid leaked out and the brakes in his semi truck went out, killing the only passenger in the vehicle he struck.
How fortunate that one small accident prevented what could have been one huge accident.
oh Mama D. I hear your deep long breath of 'what now?' A little frazzled already with Papa being gone all the time and running on 9-0 all of the time. When it rains it pours....The Lord has something big in store for you. I am anxious to hear all about it!
ReplyDeleteGet another quote on brakes, we just got our front ones replaced and they were only $106.00
ReplyDelete:)
Praying for you guys.
XX
Taylor
We have had our fridge shelves broken over and over. Dressers, vanity's in the bathroom, basically most all the drawers, screens, toys, mirrors, windows, you name its been broken.
ReplyDeleteAnd our little miss just gave the 2 year old a pair of scissors and exclaimed "They are child ones geez Mom!!!"
Exhausting. I have no advice. Just don't own anything nice and learn to repair as much as possible on your own.
prayers
perhaps this is actually a blessing! if your brakes were at 10%, who knows what would've happened in the near future if they hadn't been replaced?
ReplyDeleteMy oldest was 9 when I got him. I don't remember him breaking things accidentally. On purpose, when he got mad, yes. But not accidentally. He has always been pretty coordinated. And my girls were all 5 and under when we got them. My daughter who was 5 when we got her and is now almost 9, tends to do things very quickly and can be more accident prone because of that. But she is learning.
ReplyDeleteRemember, your adopted daughters are dealing with a lot more than just seeing and not seeing things. There are a lot of emotional issues underneath that are not so easily or so quickly healed. What helped me was to not expect my son's behavior to mirror his chronological age. We went through some ROUGH times!! He acted younger than I thought he should. Love, consistency, boundaries, consequences, and much prayer do work miracles.
Hang in there! Everyone's under a lot of stress right now with all the changes going in your family. Each one will respond very differently, especially those who have not had such a secure background. And praise God for the new brakes! A very different story might have been told on your blog had that not been taken care of.
God will provide. That's His promise! Hugs to you from me. I really do understand!!!
Thanks for all of your comments.
ReplyDeleteMargie ... I do understand that my girls have a lot of emotional issues that they are dealing with. And, we are lovingly, carefully, slowly working through those issues.
I guess our biggest frustration/concern is that they seriously don't seem to be learning the awareness issues that we have been consistently trying to teach them for nearly 3 years, which cause HUGE safety issues.
We do not at all expect them to "act their age", and we understand the developmental limitations, etc. But ... if you train, train, train a child in a specific area for almost 3 years, and don't see any progress, it is concerning.
Consequences??? Right now, any type of consequence can bring out a RAGING RAD child. So, in order to "keep the peace", I ask questions about whatever happened (dropping the dishes on the floor). But, a 5 minute "time out" might bring a 2 hour RAGE. So, not many consequence happening for our Little Miss.
Thanks again, for all of your thoughts and prayers.
We KNOW that God WILL provide. Sometimes it helps me, though, to be able to tell my Bloggy Friends about a need, so that I know we have people praying for us.
Hope you all have a BLESSED weekend!
Laurel :)
2 things - if they are behaving like 2 year olds then they need to be treated like 2 year olds (not in a mean punishment way - but rather in a loving keep them safe way) One of our older adopted kiddos is 8 on paper 10 in reality and emotionally 5 or 6 and she gets priviledges and responsibilities based on the emotional age which has helped her to grow and us to be patient.
ReplyDeleteThe other thing I'd say is that by taking away consequences to aviod a rage you are teaching her that she is in control of you - and that likely means to her that she is not safe. Our attachment challenged child used to watch like a hawk to see what control she had over us. Praise God with some really good therapy we were able to break all of her control issues and really move foward with attachment.
It is hard work to help break the RAD cycle - praying for you!
Two hour rages? Yes, we had them with our daughter who was five when we got her and our son who was nine when we got him. They are soooo exhausting to endure. They raged, screamed, hit the door, walls, and us -- if they could. We gave the appropriate consequences anyway, gritted our teeth, said a prayer for strength (because we knew what was coming), and e-n-d-u-r-e-d.
ReplyDeleteOnce, I complained to one of our friends that I saw no progress and felt like I was banging my head against a wall. His advice, which was so not comforting, "Keep banging." And then I discovered he was right. The longer we were consistent with giving the consequences immediately and not letting up no matter what, the more progress we began to see. It wasn't fast. It wasn't overnight. It was one step forward, three steps backward type of progress, but it was progress. And it has continued.
I'm praying for you. I know you have a lot on your plate right now and finances are tight. And I so sympathize, because I have been through those days and cried and pulled my hair out in frustration. I just wanted to share what helped us, because it was such a hard time for us and I really empathize with others who are going through it. And I want to offer hope. We survived. Our kids have improved. With God's help, you all will too.
Besides all the attachment issue stuff...which I totally relate too, and might comment later on that...but the first thing that stood out to me in this post is actually a PRAISE! Just think, IF she would not have broken the mirror, you would have not known that your brakes needed fixing. Maybe God allowed this to happen in order to get your attention to fix those breaks in order to prevent a much worse accident from occuring. Just a thought. :)
ReplyDeleteLove the discussion.
ReplyDeleteAs far as consequences go ...
It's not that we are allowing Little Miss to run wild. It's just that we have to be very careful and consistent with the type of consequence that is used. A "time out" in the bedroom might be what my 2 boys need, but it is not what this Little Miss needs.
In actuality, when Little Miss rages she is much more "in control" of us, as she knows she is controlling our time and our emotions for as long as she rages. If we don't give consequences, when she is expecting consequences, than WE are in control. Does that make sense?
Papa and I watched an 8 hour video series on parenting RAD children. We learned a LOT. However ... the consequences that the video series suggested were NOT what we found to be best for our Little Miss. The consequences they suggested just put her "over the top". So, we do have consequences ... just not the "typical" consequences, because she is not a typical child.
We do give responsibilities and privileges based on "emotional age" rather than the age written on their birth certificates. This is definitely the most difficult part of adopting children the same ages as bio. children. The girls just CANNOT (for safety reasons) do the same things that the boys are allowed to do. And, we explain this over and over and over. "We have had 8 and 10 years to train the boys in these areas of safety, and we have only had 2 1/2 years to train you girls."
Just so you know ... the Little Miss that broke the car mirror was NOT the same Little Miss that dropped the plates. We have 2 "Little Misses" at our house ... both very different, with different challenges, but challenging, none the less.
Thanks for "chatting" about this ...
Still would LOVE to hear if any of you have children that really don't have an awareness of things around them ... cars in the street ... bars at the top of the slide ... books on the floor to step on ...
Mama D.
Something that has really worked for us - amd something I would have never looked into until I married a massage therapist is mindfulness meditation and biofeedback (such us progressive muscle relaxation and breathing excercises).
ReplyDeleteMeditation that helps a child focus on his surroundings and his own body. There are many different ways.
I do meditation with our oldest and youngest which have helped them become aware of their bodies and control. (This is espceially important for our eldest son.) Then as he became aware of himself and his body we would start having him listen to the surroundings and identify what he "felt" and "heard". It has done great things for his ability to be more sensitive on a physical level and be more sensitive to his own self.
Now when our boys have rages and tantrums or become overly sensitive or overly stimulated We stop their actions and have them do some of these excercises and it seems to pull them back in and help them to cope. Even shopping at Wal-mart sometimes we have to stop them and say okay close your eyes and lets breath.
We have been doing this for over a year. Sometimes I catch them regulating themselves (not often - We still have to pull them in alot). Sometimes it will only work for 5 minutes before they go crazy again and we have to repeat it. But it helps ALOT and for much longer. I now trust my son to cross the street whereas a year ago that would have been impossible.
These kids are overly sensitive (brain ways) to stimuli and their brains can't process it so it starts to eleminate what it recognizes because it is overloaded. So the kids really DON'T see things. Their breains have been overcharged due to their backgrounds. So you have to retrain the brain - not them - to be aware AND respond appropriately to the stimuli that is is receiving. Then you have to retrian the brain to help the body respond appropriately.
They DON't see. They DON'T get it. This is due to not only lack of training in early years but the trauma they have undergone.
A great book about how trauma effects the brain and how it processes stimuli (sound, sight, smells etc) is "The Boy Who Was Raised As A Dog" by Dr. Perry.
Actually this book was recommended when I asked my questions about my son on your blog last spring.
Many times diagnoses such as RAD are false when it comes to children who were traumatized (especially) over time. It is how the brain is tryiong to protect them. It really opened my eyes to see what does and doesn't work. Sometimes it is a character trait sometimes it is due to the trauma.
But all in all meditative and biofeedback practices have been a HUGE help in this area of not "seeing." If you want more info please email me lovingacrossborders@gmail.com and either we can chat via email or I can send you my phone number and I can tell you more if you're intersted.
We hear you and are praying for you during this busy and hard times!
Praying for you!
we had one...now in a new home due to other major issues but YES, totally unaware of his surroundings, walk into walls, poles, people..just totally "out of it" we made no headway after 2+yrs so I'm not sure of advice except to say I'm pretty sure it's 100% RADish.
ReplyDeleteSo, one of my adopted children has no "logical thinking" in regards to things like: turning lights off after turning them on, putting something away if she took it out, closing something she opened, finishing something she started. Doesnt sound like a big deal, but, she is 16 years old. And every time I walk into a room, there is something she left undone. A light left on, a door left open, a toilet not flushed, a cap not put back on something in the fridge that could spoil, a school assignment not finished (thankfully we homeschool!), a dish not rinsed off, and the list goes on. I know that so many people reading this will think I am over-reacting. I dont get mad at her, but try to teach her while remaining patient and loving. but it gets frustrating for sure. You feel like you have to remind them of the same thing over and over again, and you wonder "will THIS be the time it actually sticks?" Oh, and the carelessness carries over to not taking care of her belongings. Losing her phone, her purse, money, shoes, clothes, everything! I totally get what you are feeling.
ReplyDeleteOh Laurel,
ReplyDeleteThat sounds so hard. As I was reading I thought of something one of our Ethiopian Sons struggles with and that is Sensory Integration. Have you read the "Out of Sync Child?"
Some children (especially children who experienced deprivation in the early years) have very little regulation over sensory input. Some children become hyper sensitive to stimuli and some (Like our son) become sensory seekers. The are the crashers and bangers and the ones looking to have stimuli. The sensation we get from tapping our foot while we sit they need to bang their head against the wall to achieve the same satisfaction.
I am not sure if this is what you are dealing with but the crashing into things and breaking things just made me think it was possible.
Blessings~
The mirror thing has happened to us before! My sister walked into it, and it just fell off. (She only brushed it with her arm!) I guess it was about to fall off anyways. But it was hanging by wires too!
ReplyDeleteIf you haven't fixed it yet- I bought one on ebay for $18. Then only paid $25 for the mechanic to change it. (Although you could easily do it yourself!) I'm all about saving money!